AskPolly: “How do I become a nice person who cares what people think and has patience and bites their tongue when someone cuts in line or has no awareness of their surroundings?” hhavrilesky weighs in
Last night, I went out with my husband to enjoy a big festival in town. We both noticed a sign from a distance, but as we approached, another reveler stood directly in front of the sign to read it. “Wow, I hope no one else wants to read that sign, maybe from another angle,” I commented to my husband loud enough for the reader to hear. My husband quietly chuckled and hugged me, saying “Oh, you.”
I learned my sister once told her friends, in advance of my visit, that I was autistic so they shouldn’t be shocked if I said something blunt or inappropriate. She may not be wrong — I struggle with social interactions, reading emotions, and connecting with people, but I also seem to miss the day-to-day filter that everyone else has, where your mind comes up with the rude thing to say but doesn’t blurt it out for all to hear.
So how do I become a nice person who cares what people think and has patience and bites their tongue when someone cuts in line or has no awareness of their surroundings? But more important, how do I do all this without imploding from built-up rage?You do sound like an asshole. You also sound like a very sensitive, emotional person who not only assumed a defensive crouch at a very early age but took on a full-fledged Asshole Belief System.
Because your rage is a manifestation of your sadness. Your distrust is a manifestation of the emotional neglect you experienced as a child. Your depression is a manifestation of your melancholy view of the world, your anxiety around intimacy, and your fear of your own insecurities. You can treat your depression, but you might find that it still leaks out no matter what you do. That’s true because some of the nongenetic underlying conditions that cause your depression are still there.
When I started seeing a therapist for the first time in my late 20s, I began to recognize the value of vulnerability. I started to understand that showing up naked, and broken, and ugly, with nothing — no witty remarks at the ready, no armor, no detailed explanations, no charming monologues — was not just forgivable and acceptable, it was divine.
These things have always pissed me off, too. But I would guess that becoming obsessed with how passive and reckless other people are is a pretty specific side effect of having parents that were emotionally neglectful, withholding, or abusive. We experience this neglect as mean-spirited and callous because that’s how it felt to us as children. We needed help. We asked for help. Nobody came. So we had to start yelling and fucking shit up.
You don’t have to give up your unique power, your wit, your fearlessness, or your courageous ability to confront injustice. You don’t have to give up anything. You just have to understand why you are who you are, and you have to recognize which of your defense mechanisms serve you well and which ones keep you confused and disconnected from others. Personally, my strengths and weaknesses mingle and collide in the same goddamn neighborhood every day.
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