AskPolly: When you don't like people that much but you want them to like you, it never works
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My theory: Just based on surface details, they think I have so much already, and they don’t want to give me any more. So when I point out improvements or share new ideas at work, or when I talk about experiences I’ve had, they just check out and completely disengage. Noticing this, I’ve started to really try not to mention anything that could show my privileges, of which I know I have many.
It’s almost like giving a talk to a bunch of teenagers. Have you ever done that? Most of them look at you like they hate you. Some are asleep. A few want to please you, so they arrange their faces into a pleasant shape, but they also probably don’t like you that much. Is it important to know why the teenagers hate you? Not really, because this is how they look when pretty much every single adult alive speaks to them. It’s not personal.
It’s easy to imagine that these co-workers are envious of you. But I really don’t think that’s the case. I’m betting that even if you didn’t have the things that you have, these people still wouldn’t like you. Maybe they could sense from the start that you were incapable of subsuming your entire ego and agenda to theirs, the way some of the other team members have. They could smell a whiff of anger and conflict within you. It really doesn’t matter why they don’t like you, though.
My personal remedy for this confusion was this: I gave up. I had insecure delusions of grandeur as a kid and did whatever the hell I wanted. Then I tried to please everyone around me for a while, and that worked with the people who really matched me, but it didn’t work with people who were afraid of my complexity and my sharp edges. Because I was conflicted, they felt like I was hiding something or trying to manipulate them. So these days, I just let my sharp teeth show.
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