Advice | Carolyn Hax: Parent wonders how to offer cash gifts when spouse of child has “history of overspending.”
My concern is with my daughter and her new husband. They are both teachers in their late 30s. He has a history of overspending . He had a lot of debt when they met and my daughter helped him navigate paying down loans and credit cards. She has shared all of this with me. She said he still likes to spend on frivolous things.
They are expecting. I was unhappily surprised when I asked about summer plans and they are just taking it easy with no plans to earn extra money. I don’t want to attach any strings to this money, but I cannot stop thinking about him using it unwisely. What do you think about my asking my daughter how they plan to use the money? Or should I just get over it and let them handle it?There are lots of options between butting into their business or enabling their business.
I like this one the best: Since your daughter shared his history with you, you can talk to her about what she would prefer. Not in a controlly, “tsk at your unwise spending” way, but in a way that acknowledges a reality that your daughter has managed responsibly and trusted you enough to share. Tell her you are mindful of how hard she and her husband have worked on excess spending and debt, and therefore want her input on this gift. Specifically, say you want to avoid putting her in a bad spot with a windfall, but you also want avoid interfering or attaching strings. Encourage her to give it some thought and come back to you with ideas, and offer her some starter ideas as well.
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