Advice | Carolyn Hax: In-laws offer financial support for their child to be a stay-at-home parent, but not if the other parent is the one to stay home.
My spouse and I both work full time for now, but my spouse’s parents have offered to support my spouse financially. This makes it possible for my spouse to stay home full time with our 11-month-old. Under that plan, I would still need to keep my full-time job.The problem I am having is that there was no discussion of doing it the opposite way, with my spouse going to work and me staying home, even though, theoretically, that could be a good and in some ways better option for our child.
I think that is a very narrow way to look at it, because whatever plan we come up with will benefit BOTH of us, plus, obviously, our baby.But perhaps I am just whining and should be glad my spouse will get to stay home and not worry about money, while I continue to toil? And just accept that people will always have stronger feelings about their own children than about their in-laws?I have a problem with this arrangement, too.
Assuming your spouse agrees that you two share the last word — because the alternative is not defensible — you both need to decideof you is in a better position to quit your paid work. And whether it’s better for your marriage to refuse even a wanted gift that has these deeply meddlesome strings.If this were my issue to unsnarl, then I would start with the question of who could be this at-home parent, and at what cost. There are a lot of variables, both emotional and financial .
So: Choose whether one of you will quit your paid work, choose the right spouse to become an at-home parent, then negotiate the in-law strings as needed for your marriage’s health.· I would respectfully add: 1. Before accepting any funds, have a conversation with your partner along the lines of, “What would we do in the absence of your parents’ money?” Possibly you will both learn something about your mutual short- and long-term priorities. 2.
Remember that scene in “Fargo” when William H. Macy’s character needed money and his father-in-law said he’d only ever help his daughter and grandchild but not him? Yeah, you’re Macy’s character in this scenario.
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