Advice: A button-pushing 9-year-old tests the resolve of a parent working hard to overcome a “traumatic” childhood.
I have gotten therapy for this and started seeing a psychologist again recently. The thing is, though, my daughter nags all the time and says “no” 100 times a day — about the healthy food I cook, about how much homework she has, taking showers, weekend plans, anything and everything. I feel like she’s pushing my buttons all the time. I’m not blaming her; I’m the adult here and she’s the kid.
Imagine you're cutting back on processed sugar in your diet. How well is that going to go if you have a dozen fresh cupcakes on your kitchen counter every day? The problem you describe in your home isn’t your “bad temper,” it’s the cupcakes — the power-struggle behaviors and tactics that draw you into the very reactions you’re trying to stop, and that you were raised to regard as normal.Reactivity to a child’s natural resistance and budding sense of autonomy is more about having: 1. unrealistic expectations of how a 9-year-old behaves, and 2. unproductive responses when she doesn’t behave as you expect.
You expect compliance, and you were subconsciously trained by your mom to erupt when you don’t get it. Those are the impossible conditions, forcing you to try to remain calmSo the intervention I recommend is not therapy, but parenting classes — so you can prepare and problem-solve your way around or through conflicts with your daughter before they get emotional.
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