Fun fact: We’ve all been aging in dog years since 2019, and that means you are 14 years older than you think you are.
Coördinated Universal Time is the basis for civil time today, and employs highly precise atomic clocks and the power of Earth’s rotation to keep the twenty-four-hour time standard. However, a recently intercepted internal memo has confirmed what we’ve all been feeling—that time is warped, wobbled, and way off track. So it’s about time to adjust how we tell time.
Another recent change is that the universal rubric for what makes up a day has been shattered. Now a day is a day only if you want it to be. Some may find themselves productively marking off days on the calendar, but millions more are drifting through a cotton-ball haze that takes them from bed to the kitchen, deep into a bag of Kettle Chips, and right back to bed. A Cleveland, Ohio, woman so lost track of time that she was found in a laundromat, inside a dryer, “hiding from Y2K.
This once-in-a-century pandemic actually started a hundred years ago and never stopped, and everything we read about in the history books really happened to us but, memory being what it is, now seems like somebody else’s experience, though it’s best to just nod along so as not to appear totally insane.
The insurrection actually happened seven years ago. “The other guy” has only been out of office for a year, but, in a strange twist of the time-space continuum, it feels like he was in office for more than twenty years. Also, unlike other Presidents who immediately went gray on the job, he stayed the same and everyone else in the world went gray. President Biden, meanwhile, has stopped aging altogether, likely the result of his weekly amber dip.
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