Actually, I Want My Child To Be Afraid

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Actually, I Want My Child To Be Afraid
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Or, why there's a demon reindeer in my kid's bedroom.

Oct. 30, 2023My husband had a very specific vision for our daughter’s nursery. When it came to wallpaper, he sent me images of rose-quartz clouds, illustrations of peonies in shades of icing sugar and apple blossoms. In the furniture store, he smiled at frothing canopies scattered with seed pearls. He wanted Versailles style mirrors, a suede rocking horse, a pale changing table with crystal knobs, a roost of golden butterflies delicately holding a shelf of crinkle books and velvet toys aloft.

In elementary school, I delighted in sharing “the real” versions of stories. To fit into a glass slipper, Cinderella’s stepsisters cut off their heels and toes until blood filled the shoes and the prince was thus warned against his false brides. I told my classmates that the Little Mermaid died of despair and turned to sea foam.

Vishnu appeared to the king as neither man nor beast, but both… as a being with the head of a lion and the body of a man. He appeared neither at day or at night, but both…during twilight. He appeared neither indoors nor outdoors, but both… in the pillar of a courtyard. And when he seized the king, he used no weapon, but simply his sharp, sharp talons to disembowel him on the spot.

When I held my daughter for the first time, the fear I felt was depthless and ancient. It grabbed me by my throat and flashed its endless smile:That fear stole into my bones and made me a parent.

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