Telling an upset person to calm down rarely has the desired effect and often makes them feel worse. Here are some better ways to defuse a tense situation.
The value of this statement is that it shows immediate, and instead of making the person feel that there is something wrong with them—which risks pushing them away—you're attempting to make a connection. By validating the fact of their distress, you lessen the risk that they will get more frustrated with your not"getting it," which can turn them against you.
Be wary of making the statement in too dismissive a tone, however, or pairing it with a quick request to move on. This can be a helpful thing to say when there is a heated argument and you are passing the point at which productive conversation reaches resolution. The key is to convey that you stillto talk, but that things feel potentially damaging in their current state.
Do not use the phrase, though, as an ultimatum or a threat that you will cut them off or run away if they don't immediately calm down without your help—in which case it's just a wordier way of saying"Calm down."This phrase can be helpful in a conflict because it has the potential to model relaxation techniques without it feeling like an accusation of anything, or forcing them to follow you.
Just make sure you speak it with an extra dose of patience, so that the person doesn't feel that the clock is ticking loudly in their ear, which will likely agitate them even more.
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