'I didn’t want to lose myself as an individual.'
"As I hit my thirties and got married, I kept thinking of reasons to put off children: work, my dogs, wanting a few more years of traveling, etc. Then at 34, I decided to go off birth control and I got pregnant within 2 weeks. Instead of feeling excited, I was honestly completely terrified. It wasn’t just the childbirth part that gave me anxiety , it was all of it: being home for months with a newborn, not sleeping, losing my identity, my career, my body, and my freedom.
"I suffered from an eating disorder and body dysmorphia for several years and although I consider myself more or less recovered now, I just don't imagine myself able to recover mentally or physically from the enormous changes incurred by pregnancy and childbirth. I feel like they would set me back to a state of mind where I wouldn't be able to give my child the love and care they deserve. I'm also not confident I'll ever even find someone to have children with.
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