'I found out that my real father was actually just my mom's heroin dealer.'
"When I was 13, my mom — who had recently divorced my dad — had some friends over for dinner. She thought I was in my room, but I was just around the corner when she told all her friends she was going to miss how huge my dad's dick was, then proceeded to give ACTUAL DIMENSIONS!""I found out that my dad wasn't present at my birth — he had gotten into a bar fight while out celebrating my upcoming arrival...and was in jail.
"Years later, she finally admitted that her last name did in fact used to be Waters because she got married at 17 before she graduated high school! Then, she got married again when she was 23 or 24 to a different guy!""My parents had five kids in six years, then they had me 11 years later.
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